Welcome my anxiety? Are you crazy?!?
I tend to see the world through emotions, sensations, and gut feelings. And let me tell you, being a feeler in a world of reason, logic, and “let’s-get-this-done” has been pretty rough. The movie, Inside Out, was genius and so affirming for people like me who have been told their whole life that they are too sensitive and emotional or dismissed for not processing the “right” way. As an adult, I now have a passion to let kids (and adults) know feelings are not to be feared or ignored, but parts of them that can be explored and held with curiosity. Do you remember that Joy finally realized, after running from Sadness and trying to quiet her, that she needed Sadness to be complete? We need our feelings.
My grandmother used to say that if you were bored then you were boring. As a result of calling boredom bad, I spent my life fearing boredom and because I could not MAKE the feeling go away when it came, I was anxious, “busy,” and I always felt like a failure. I did not want to be boring and I could not get rid of it!!! What a conundrum. The emotions of anxiety, sadness, joy, fear, envy, boredom, and satisfaction are examples of WHO WE ARE at different times and not feelings to be annexed. As a Christian, I sometimes feel our community can be one of the worst offenders in banishing feelings. “Be anxious for nothing…” can be a terrible response to someone who struggles on a consistent basis with anxiety. It just makes the anxiety stick and stirs up guilt and shame because you cannot just wish it away. It’s a real feeling with real roots, lodged in your nervous system.
Kids need to know that every part of them is welcome at the table. Acknowledging feelings/emotions actually makes them MORE whole, human, and able to handle their relationships and world that are so rich with complexity and beauty. With emotions they can learn to have empathy which is one of the main ways we connect with other humans. Emotions bond us and make us feel less alone in the world. When a parent can stay present in and with children’s feelings, they create attachment bonds that give their child an understanding that even if they have feelings they do not understand they are safe in the company of someone who does.
Can you be curious with yourself and your child about anxiety, for instance? Can you head toward it, welcome it, instead of trying to make it go away? Can you ask, “Where is anxiety in your body right now? Can you imagine what color, shape, and size it is? What does it smell like? Does it have a name? What is it saying to you?” I know welcoming anxiety in this way doesn’t solve the problem entirely, but it lessens the power it has over you if you can name it, stay with it and “make friends with it” rather than annex it to the hinterlands. Naming and exploring feelings, especially with others, is one of the best anecdotes for finding shalom.
My desire in writing children’s books is to take you on an adventure with emotions and help both you and your child be seen, known, validated and affirmed as human beings. My books will help in creating attachment bonds with your children as you share the emotions, snuggle, and experience the story together. My stories will give both of you some good company and affirm that you are not alone in the world.
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Adults, for further understanding of emotions and the science behind them, check out:
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman PhD
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, PhD
If you’d like some recommendations for children’s books that are engaging stories AND will enhance emotional intelligence, just shoot me an email.